I just don't get it..........

" He's the liar who lied in his pop song, and you're lying when you sing along."
Pop Lie by Okkervil River

This post will deal with musicians, and I use the term somewhat loosely in certain cases, who, through either popular acclaim or record sales, people love. Well, in these instances, I don't. So, while I'm sure it will piss some of you off, here is my list and some arguments to back up these feelings. Feel free to tell me to shut up, or call me a moron if you will, but I do like a good debate. The following are charged with crimes against my ears:

Janis Joplin

It can always be debated that if she had lived, would she be playing Vegas or Casino Rama by now? I honestly don't understand the appeal at all. At the mere sound of her "voice", I run screaming from the room. Maybe Big Brother & the Holding Company were a great band, but I'll never know because I can't get past her singing. Those who like her claim it's her soul, that she has the blues man, but to my ears she has a bad case of no discernible talent. Her version of Summertime alone deserves the death penalty. I've known tons of people in my life who worship her, lots of them female, and...I just don't get it.

Jim Morrison

So, you're probably asking why I'm picking on all the dead folks, but bear with me, I've got some live ones coming up. Outside of a handful of songs, at least 1 of which may appear on a forthcoming yearly list, this guy is the most bloated and overrated of them all. A Shaman? Nope, a wannabe. Poet? I wrote better stuff stoned on glue in high school. I guess he was fairly good looking and that would account for his appeal to the fairer sex. I also resent the fact that fucking Ray Manzarek ( a noted blowhard if there ever was one) has continued making money off Morrison's long ago turned to ashes corpse. If I hear Light My Fire one more time! Look, the Doors were OK and Morrison could sing passably, but he was really just a drugged-out fuck-up who believed his own hype and died much too soon because of it. Sorry, but...I just don't get it.

Metallica

I could insert other Metal bands in here, but these guys, especially that light-shines-out-of-his-ass drummer Lars Ulrich, are held in way too high esteem by some usually sane people. Look, I saw them in 1990 in Detroit, and they were appallingly bad. Most of their songs were indistinguishable from the next and the almost Hitler at Nuremburg sway they had on the crowd was downright unnerving. But, most of my venom is saved for you, Lars. Talk about a dude who thinks the world revolves around him! Go piss off and make your stupid drum-faces somewhere I don't have to look at you! Whining about people sharing your files after you are already worth millions made you no friends in this here neck of the woods pal. I only like 2 or 3 of their songs, but after the Napster thing went public, I downloaded everything I could find of theirs, regardless of whether I wanted it or not, just to try and piss him off some more. Lars Ulrich farting? Damn straight, I downloaded it! Picking his nose and flinging it at Hetfield's back? I have the mp3! You know what Lars?...I just don't get it.

Kurt Cobain

Nevermind was a fairly good record. But earth shattering? Puh-leeze! For the most part, all it did was spawn a bunch of horrid imitators like Creed and Seven Mary Three and subject my ears to this garbage for most of the 90s. Look, I think he was misunderstood by society, and maybe he didn't want to be that famous, but lots of people feel that way. He married the poster girl of whackjobs Courtney Love, and that likely put him over the edge. Personally, I prefer Dave Grohl's Foo Fighters by miles over Nirvana. So, let the hate mail begin because...I just don't get it.

The Police (Well, mostly Sting)

Here's another voice that bugs me to no end. They also had a few good songs like Can't Stand Losing or Synchronicity II. But, I beg of you, do not ever play Roxanne around me, unless you like it when someone starts spewing hatred and cuss words for the next hour. His solo work is also putrid, always looking for the next cool jazz dude to play with and coming up with tripe like If On A Winter's Night. Wanker! He once talked about how great the Police were and how it would have been so much easier to just play power chords and put out regular rock music. What? No. let's rip off reggae instead and play 3 note oom-pah-pah bass lines while we're at it. To me Sting, you will always be just a bellboy since otherwise...I just don't get it.

Dave Matthews

Sorry Mark. Please accept my apologies on this one buddy, but he bores me to tears. You have great taste in movies, TV shows and music, but I fail to see what the draw is here. I know, his band is fantastic and his sax player is a genius and his drummer is the second coming of Steve Gadd. Could you imagine him fronting, say, Led Zeppelin? Or anybody? He's like your nice next door neighbour, great to have a beer with while on a break from mowing the lawn, but please don't sing. I know he's very accomplished, and he seems like a great guy, but his music goes in one ear and out the other I'm afraid. Sorry Dave, and Mark, but...I just don't get it.

Broken Social Scene

Ok, the next couple are for the hipsters out there. I love Metric. I love Feist. I love Stars. You know why? It's because they have honest to goodness songs. That's right. Songs. BSS hasn't got a single good song. It sounds like they got together, smoked some too good weed and then started playing. Then, all the cool people smoked some too good weed too and listened and went, " Wow man, are they ever cool!" Wrong, wrong, wrong. Whenever they release a new record, the blogosphere lights up (excuse the bad pun) in anticipation. Then, out come the requisite glowing reviews about African influences and isn't that a great vuvuzela solo on track 4 and isn't it great that they had 400 people on stage at their last show. I apologize for offending any of you who like them, but I need help I guess since...I just don't get it.

TV On The Radio

Apart from their very interesting cover of Bowie's Heroes, they suffer from the same malaise as BSS. Songs. Melodies. Too much machinery for me, kids. Somebody got the keys to the studio and went nuts, and I find it appallingly awful. I know it's cool to like them and to some, I must sound like a boring old fart, but they leave me cold. I know they are a multi-racial group, and their heads are in the right place. Great! Now, go write some songs ferchristsakes! Frankly...I just don't get it.

Britney, Rihanna, Katy, GaGa, J-Lo, et al

Oh crap! Why would I waste my breath? I once saw an interview with Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes and he was bemoaning people like J-Lo going on about how they worked really hard in the studio on their new record. He said it best, and I quote, " J-Lo wouldn't even know where the friggin' light switch was in the studio." I couldn't have put it any better myself since...I just don't get it.

There are more that could be added to this rant, but I'll leave it there for now. Again, sorry if I offended anyone who reads this, but that's what the comments section is for.